I've never really thought much about it before, but after some recent reflection on these last few years of my life, I have come to the conclusion that I'm a crybaby...for good reason :)
Ever since the first time I've ever bore my testimony, I have recognized what it's like to feel the Spirit. The physical and emotional changes that happen - a calmness even though my heart is racing and a genuine peaceful feeling all over. As I was pregnant almost two years ago, the feelings increased and uncontrollable sobbing has been added to the list of changes. Even after the pregnancy, I have no control over my emotions :P
A couple weekends ago, I was on the program in church to sing in sacrament. I tried soo hard to be as prepared as I could be so that I wouldn't be nervous {voice shaking, squeaking}...I practiced throughout the week in the chapel to get the feeling of what it would be like {minus all the people}. My pianist was amazing, she helped me through it :) She helped my confidence grow...
{which brings me to this quick side story: For as long as I could remember, I loved to sing. I sang in choirs since I was in the first grade, up until high school (because my high school didn't have a choir/singing program). After not singing regularly for about 2-3 whole years, and right before I was getting married, I decided I would sing in the singles ward I was in. Without much preparation (I was thinking, I don't need to prepare, I've done this! I've sung a gazillion solos, I will be fine!), I got up to the pulpit and began to sing. Was it good? I don't know, most likely not. Did I feel the Spirit in the room? Nope; I was waaay too nervous. How did I know I was nervous? My voice shook the entire time. Basically, I was mortified. I wanted to hide in the corner and just cry. In a matter of 2 minutes, I lost complete confidence in myself...}
And as Sunday crept closer, I knelt down in prayer every day. At first I was asking Heavenly Father to help me sing at my best (just as I had in the past), but then as the week went on, I realized it wasn't about how great of a singer I am...it's all about the Spirit - how I can instill that peacefulness I feel into others. I knew then that I had been praying for all the wrong reasons. The night before, I prayed my heart out, I don't care how I sing, just let them feel the Spirit. Let them know how much I believe in this song.
Sunday came and talks were given. My turn. Deep breath. I sang the first lines....
...all of a sudden, something took over. That familiar feeling was stronger than ever. I not only opened my voice, but I opened my heart. I broke down in the middle of the song to the point where I had to just speak the words. I finished the song and I was prompted to bear my testimony.
{SORRY SO LONG! When I started this post, I didn't think it would be this long...but then I look up and apparently I think I'm some kind of storyteller! Bear with me!}
I left the chapel with tears streaming down my face and I went straight into the restroom. I thought that I would have the feeling of embarrassment again, but it wasn't that kind of feeling...I didn't feel like I wish I could take it all back and start over. It was at that moment that I realized that it was the strongest I have ever felt of the Spirit and I couldn't be more happy of what I did. I knew that my prayers were answered. :)
And now, after a night of visiting teaching, my companion is going through some crazy stuff. She's going through IVF (in-vitro fertilization) and she was telling us how things are going (she started her first ever IVF treatment at the beginning of this month). She explained to us that right before she was to start all her meds (and there are A LOT - no joke!), she had a little panic attack...doubt was trying to butt in and her husband gave her a blessing. FYI: Blessings are miracles! As she was telling us what her husband was telling her in her blessing, I couldn't help but tear up. Our friend we were teaching totally pointed out the Spirit - not only in the room but how it is constantly with my companion. We wrapped up and said our goodbyes and outside as we were leaving, my companion told me how she started blogging her IVF experience. {did i mention that I found my blog password YESTERDAY?! Coincidence? Oh, I think not!} She texted me her blog address {myinvitroblog.blogspot.com} and I went home and seriously read the entire thing. She is an inspiration and even though we are new friends and don't know much about one another, I am truly blessed to know her and have her in my life.
Even though my singing in church may look like nothing when compared to what my visiting teaching companion has gone through these last five and half years, I know that she and I are blessed to have the Spirit. I am soo grateful and humbled for the familiarity of the Spirit. Tonight, it was confirmed to me that the Spirit can do miracles, big or small, no matter the circumstances.
Thanks for reading all the blah, blah, blah. Just so you know, if you've gone this far, not all my posts will be on such a serious note. I know it's a lot but I hope that I could share this wonderful feeling with others. There are important people in my life that struggle with happiness and are searching all over for the answer and I can only hope that one day, they will be able to see what I've seen, feel what I've felt, and know what I've learned. Miracles happen everyday! I have You-Know-Who (not the same reference as in Harry Potter, :P ha) and the Spirit to thank for that! Oh yea, and I don't care if I bawl my eyes out, either! Booyah!
LOVE LOVE LOVE
8 months old
11 years ago
